Friday, April 27, 2007

A Run Full of Rage

I hadn't planned on running yesterday. From the looks of of and the 90% chance of thunderstorms they had going on all day, I didn't think it was going to be possible.

However, the weather held off and it was a fine evening so we went for our 4 mile run. Mainly so that we could have Friday off which we like after a long week.

Where's the rage? Well apparently it's all up in my kool-aid. Luckily for me as hard as I try to push Jason away and implode on myself and my emotions and my rage, he's a rock and doesn't budge. When I tell him to just leave me alone, he rarely does. I don't know if he understands all my issues as I don't know who would, but he listens and nods and lets me cry on his shoulder, only when of course I admit that I might need a shoulder to cry on.

I have issues with my less than stellar performance as a graduate student, as a cousin, as a friend, as a wife, as a child, as a runner. And at times it all builds up and becomes one big bubbling pile of crap. I don't know what I would do without Jason here by my side. To tell me it's going to be ok, and to just nod when I'm talking crazy.

I am a bit of a loner and kind of always have been. I was never a good roommate (Bridgette can attest to that as we became much better friends when I moved out) and I was kind of a weird kid who walked to the beat of a different drum. Maybe part of that is good, maybe part of living is to not be exactly like everyone and to be a little strange as life is short. But being strange sets you back from the world. Having not conformed and kept on walking to the strange beat, I have left myself with few close friends and while I used to have parents (who understood my intricacies as they have been around them for 27 years) to go to and talk to and laugh with, they have left and so I am without a piece of stability (although it was a crazy kind of stability) that I had become accustomed to for 25 years. I have a father and a stepmother that I can't call as they are completely out of contact so I hear from them every so often. They seem fine with this arrangement though as I'm sure my daily calls were a nuisance and (probably more correctly) the fact that there is no word on the situation ever changing and I see no reason why it will or should. My mom I talk to often enough on the phone, but it's not the same as when she lived 30 minutes away. I miss them. And when the big bubbling pile of crap comes up, it always ends up on that. It's just that simple. I suppose I should grow the fuck up and stop missing them and just deal with the fact that this is going to be my relationship with them for the next part of my life. Maybe someday I will, but not this week. This week I miss them.

So the run full of rage was good. It has always helped me to run when I'm feeling a bit blue. We paced 8:35 miles and felt good. I think the last mile was a little too fast as I was breathing pretty hard....but fuck it. It felt good.


Bridgette said...

Everyone is crazy sometimes. I think that's when we need to take a break (a mini-vaca) to just let go. :)

BTW, you were great as a roommate most of the time. :)

Ryan said...

Lots of self-introspection here. Nice to know that a run with Jason is a great outlet to release.

Kendra said...

I think we all experience that bubbling pile of crap sometimes. I know I do! Feel better.

Anonymous said...

Sounds like you had a good run, and hope you see/talk to you parents soon.

Firefly's Running said...