Tuesday, May 20, 2008

I'll Be Ok

So I've not completely disappeared.

I've been trying to be busy with thesis work amid daily panic attacks about my own mortality. This has happened to me in the past, I just can't seem to get out of the fog this time around. I am sure running has something to do with keeping me level, and as I'm not running maybe things are getting a bit unbalanced. As an atheist.....well it's hard. It's hard to think about, and then quite rightly it's hard to not think about. Like if there is a big pink elephant in the room...ok don't think about it. But how can you not? It's days, or apparently weeks, like this, that I have such jealousy for those with beliefs of higher powers.

I don't know what brought this on, a favorite professor of ours passed away a couple of months ago, friends have recently lost those who are dear to them. The pressure of finishing up this thesis and starting something new I'm sure has something to do with it.

I don't know, but I can't get out of it and the days until the thesis are due are counting down quickly. I am going to go run tonight, maybe start to pound things back into control.


Jesse said...

Such thoughts haunt me too. And those who are religious are in a way very fortunate.

My solace is this: there is a benefit to being troubled by this sort of thing. I find that such thoughts make me realize very quickly that which is important to me and that which is trivial to me. There are so many little things that we waste are time on. When thoughts like this cross my mind, I can't sit down and watch TV. I feel like I'm wasting bits of my life. It also helps me focus on that which I consider the big things in my life, Kyeorda, friends, starting a family, and contributing something worthwhile and creative to this world. That gives me comfort.

Triseverance said...

Leah, I have just an off the cuff comment and sorry but nothing earth sattering to share with you. But try to remember faith comes in many forms, many to me seem to rush into religion or faith, while others seem to resist it based on logic.
Start small, in your own life, what's important. Build from there, who shares your values, your spirit.
I think I am about 10 years older then you, believe me my thoughts on faith, values, morals and the meaning of life are far different now then they were 10 years ago. Relax it's a process. :)

GeekGirl said...

Aye...I've been going through this since I was about 8 years old. I've always thought about death. (I was a very morose little girl.) Sometimes are worse than others. It just makes me go out there and truly live my life.

LeahC said...

gg-me too actually...I remember being terrified the night before my dad and i were going to go to Disney World because I was afraid I wouldn't wake up.

I remember my mom being like....what's up you're like 7 how are you worried about this.

I suppose it does come in waves though

yumi said...
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lifestudent said...

I am in a similar state ... but now dont have the running. I have a dissertation proposal I promised to deliver before I deliver a baby ... which gives me only a few months to basically produce two of my major life goals. I have the gorilla in the room, but no longer the running to give me structure. Today I wrote down "notes" that equal about 1/2 page of a dissertation proposal and cant tell if I should pat myself on the back or punch myself in the face for it ;)